Mournings and Happiness
by spruceh
Summary: A collection of songfics about sad times, happy times, angsty times and times of uncertainty. Got a suggestion? Tell me!
1. Wilting Holly

_Summer has come and passed_

_The innocent can never last_

_Wake me up when September ends_

Cold ravaged at my gut, pulling at my heart with its icy grip. Hunger made my mind weak, wanting my belly to rumble, but not finding the strength for even that. My eyes were slits in my face, the brown-walled nursery around me blurry with starvation. Even the smallest movement brought pain shooting through my heart. I tried to struggle my way to Mom's stomach, but my paws flailed out from under my body, leaving me helplessly splayed on the ground.

_Like my fathers come to pass_

_Seven years has gone so fast_

_Wake me up when September ends_

"Hollykit," Mom said, trying her best to comfort me, but her voice crackling with fright. Her tail, cold and skeletally thin with malnutrition brushed over me, pushing me to her belly.

I tried to find a place to suckle, and my mouth latched onto one. Tiredly, I tried to drink in warm, comforting milk, even though part of me knew none would come. Sure enough, my tongue only got the tiniest of drops of milk, but I swallowed it heartily, not caring that it would probably be the only food I would get all day.

_Here comes the rain again_

_Falling from the stars_

_Drenched in my pain again_

_Becoming who we are_

I felt Birchkit inching his way towards me, his bigger body pushing up against mine as if I didn't have a choice, and that he would be there no matter what went wrong. I tried to thank him, but pain pulled at me again, and only a squeak emerged, even quieter than that of a dragonfly's wings beating at the air. Exhaustion made my body go rigid, and my head fell to my paws. No complaint of pain came from me, only the silent thanks of rest. My eyelids threatened to droop, but I willed them not to. If I were to sleep, I knew that I might not wake.

_As my memory rests_

_But never forgets what I lost_

_Wake me up when September ends_

Thoughts ravaged through my head, but none of them were fear. I mean, there was fear – fear that I felt from Mom; fear that I felt from Birchkit; fear that I felt from Father whenever he visited – but no fear of death. Death would be like a pleasure, ridding me of this pain and suffering I have felt for so long.

_Summer has come and passed_

_The innocent can never last_

_Wake me up when September ends_

I heard raindrops splattering on the roof of the nursery, trickling through the unkept roof and splashing on the ground near us. I tried to inch my way closer up against Birchkit, and it suddenly hit me. What would Birchkit do if I were to die? How would he handle it? Would he grieve like Mom and Father did when Larchkit died? My slowly beating heart ached, not just with hunger this time. How would our parents cope if Birchkit or I were to leave like Larchkit did? We barely remembered the weakest kit of our litter, but still felt a burning loss. That's why Birchkit and I were so close. But, if I were to leave, would I be cast away and forgotten like our brother was? I must have struggled against the thoughts or something, because Birchkit next to me slowly licked my ears.

His whisper was hoarse and crackling, barely audible from the rain outside. Sorrow radiated in his voice, and made a tear run down my cheek, landing on my paws with surprising warmth.

"I'll never forget you, Hollykit. You'll always be in my heart."

He must have known what I was thinking. Was he accepting my death as was I? I slowly turned my head towards the brown tabby, my neck shaking with the effort. The slightest smile tugged at my mouth, and my whiskers brushed his face as I leaned in towards him.

_Ring out the bells again_

_Like we did when spring began_

_Wake me up when September ends_

"I'll never forget you, either, Birchkit."

_Here comes the rain again_

_Falling from the stars_

_Drenched in my pain again_

_Becoming who we are_

I'll never forget how quiet my voice was. The emotion I felt in my words burned through my body. Some of it was emotion I've never felt before. Love. Hate. Grief. Happiness. Joy. Anger. Acceptance. Peace. Friendship... And suddenly, I knew I would never feel them. Surprise tugged at my head, making me look at my brother. My eyes grew wider than they had since I had been born. I felt them sparkle, in a way that made Birchkit lock eyes with me, and something passed between us. Slowly, he turned away, and so did I. New energy flowed through my limbs, and I dragged myself next to Mom, my dusky gray pelt melting with her's. I tried to picture Father's loving face, the warm brown eyes, and the soft, downy fur.

_As my memory rests_

_But never forgets what I lost_

_Wake me up when September ends_

"I'm sorry, Father," I whispered into the wind, hoping it would reach his ears.

_Summer has come and passed_

_The innocent can never last_

_Wake me up when September ends_

"I'm sorry, Mom," I whispered, brushing my muzzle against her fur.

_Like my fathers come to pass_

_Twenty years has come too fast_

_Wake me up when September ends_

My eyelids felt heavy, and I felt a strange feeling pull at my gut. I heard the rain falling softer, I smelled the smell of the nursery drift away, and I felt the warmth of Mom's fur being pulled away.

_Wake me up when September ends_

I turned my head to my brother. My brother. My brother. The brother I would never know more. We would never become warriors together, even apprentices together. A shimmering tear came to my eyes, wide and blue as I looked at my brother. I felt tiredness pull at my limbs, making my eyes close, relief shining before me. I felt a warm smile looking down at me, like all of the cats I've ever known. I turned my dimming eyes to my brother's, my eyes twinkling with tears.

_Wake me up when September ends_

"I'm sorry, Birchkit. I'm sorry. I'll never forget you..." And my body drifted into sleep, a slumber from which I would never wake.

Finally. Finally, I was at peace.


	2. Shimmering GoldenTiger

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Warriors (Erin Hunter does) or the song "Behind these Hazel Eyes" (Kelly Clarkson does)

---x--x------x--x------x--x---

_Seems like just yesterday  
You were a part of me  
I used to stand so tall  
I used to be so strong  
Your arms around me tight  
Everything, it felt so right  
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong  
Now I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on_

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

Goldenflower purred as her mate nuzzled her, just after she told him about her kits. His kits. Their kits. She stared lovingly into his dark amber eyes, admired his dark brown tabby pelt, the scar across his nose. It all reminded her of her love. His love. Their love.

_I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in  
You made me feel alright  
For once in my life  
Now all that's left of me  
Is what I pretend to be  
So together, but so broken up inside  
'Cause I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hangin' on_

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

Goldenflower purred, the soft sound rumbling her belly as her new kit suckled. Shrewkit. She felt Tigerclaw's tail on her shoulder, his warm fur against hers, his soft eyes focused on their little kit. Her love. His love. Their love.

_Swallow me then spit me out  
For hating you, I blame myself  
Seeing you it kills me now  
No, I don't cry on the outside  
Anymore..._

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

The long yellow plume curled around the little kits tightly. No, Tigerclaw. That couldn't be the same Tigerclaw. A small clear tear ran across her cheek as Fireheart revealed her mate's treachery. Goldenflower's light eyes were soft but sharp, sharp with betrayal. Her trust. His betrayal. Her love. His hate.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

She watched from the crowd, wide-jawed, as scarlet blood ran from her mate's neck. She should be thinking good riddance. Instead, pain overcame her. She collapsed against Willowpelt's shoulder, her soft velvet nose buried in her friend's feathery fur. She felt Willowpelt's tail softly touch her shoulder with tense comfort. Goldenflower sensed nothing, though. Only mixed emotion. She remembered her love for him. His love for her. Her heart. His heart. Their love.

_Seems like just yesterday  
You were a part of me  
I used to stand so tall  
I used to be so strong  
Your arms around me tight  
Everything, it felt so right  
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong  
Now I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hanging on_

Goldenflower looked around to make sure that no cat was watching as she slipped out of the bramble entrance. No one was. Her paws guided her towards the clearing where Tigerstar's blood still soaked, his body still lay. Her long blonde fur brushed the ground, brushing the scarlet with loving touches. She touched her muzzle to his cold, stiff, scarred nose, sorrow stirring through her. He betrayed her. She hated him. Inside, though, love will never die. A small tear ran down her nose, landing on the fur matted with dried blood. It landed precariously on the tip of a hair, bursting and splattering across her dead mate's pelt. Now, it was forever good riddance.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

_I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in  
You made me feel alright  
For once in my life  
Now all that's left of me  
Is what I pretend to be  
So together, but so broken up inside  
'Cause I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hangin' on_

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

On the night that they left, Goldenflower remained on the final ridge of ThunderClan's land, staring over the clearing below. The clearing where Tigerstar stood so proudly as he spoke down to the other cats, the clearing where he died. She could still feel his sticky blood on her yellow paws. She blinked back tears, remembering how much they loved each other. His betrayal, her hate. Her love, his love. Forever it will live on.

_Swallow me then spit me out  
For hating you, I blame myself  
Seeing you it kills me now  
No, I don't cry on the outside  
Anymore..._

Goldenflower stared at the dark brown RiverClan warrior. How much he reminded her. Hate bubbled inside the elder. Tigerstar loved another. He never loved her. He went and had kits with a rogue. Was that love? No, she was never there for love. How dare he. Their kits. Their love. Her hate. His choice.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_

The golden queen lay rasping from where she lay. She could already feel life slipping away from her. Her soul rising into StarClan's waiting arms. She remembered his loving amber eyes. His soft tabby fur. His scarred but soft, worn nose. His alert, pricked ears. His large kind heart. How he betrayed her and her love. But how she still loved him. Her body flinched once more, her hazel eyes growing bright, but then dimming. She could already feel his loving smile, his kind words as he mewed oh so softly "Welcome, Goldenflower. Welcome, my love." Her soft yellow tail twitched once more, a clear tear ran from her eye. She was dead by the time it hit the dark floor, its droplets scattering like little starlit diamonds… Diamonds for their love. His love. Her love. Their love.

_Here I am, once again  
I'm torn into pieces  
Can't deny it, can't pretend  
Just thought you were the one  
Broken up, deep inside  
But you won't get to see the tears I cry  
Behind these hazel eyes_


	3. Loosing Color

_I've been thinkin' 'bout_

_All the times you told me_

_You're so full of doubt_

_You just can't let it be_

_But I know_

_If you keep on comin' back for more_

_Then I'll keep on tryin'_

_I'll keep on tryin'_

The clearing was stock silent, but crackling with tension. A slight breeze ruffled my fur, making a slight whistling in my ear. I tried to flick it away, but felt frozen with fear. My dark brown eyes turned to Firestar, standing next to me, his expression hard and his electric green eyes unreadable. He had chosen me as his deputy, trusted me to stand before my clan with more bravery than even he.

In all honesty, I was terrified. Terrified for Willowpelt. Terrified for Sootkit, Sorrelkit, and Rainkit. Terrified for Graystripe, Sandstorm, Mousefur, Brackenfur, Fernpaw, Ashpaw, Bramblepaw and all of the others. Terrified for the memory and glory of the clans.

And, despite how much I tried to deny it, terrified for my own life.

_And I've been drinkin' now_

_Just a little too much_

_And I don't know how_

_I can get in touch with you_

_Now there's only one thing for me to do_

_That's to keep on tryin' to get home to you_

A single snap of a twig and the slight rustle of leaves rang through the valley louder than the loudest battle cry of a fresh group of warriors. All heads turned at once, but not one word was uttered as the BloodClan cats strutted confidently into the sacred clearing of Fourtrees. Even though they walked with their heads and tails held high, I could smell the strong collective fear scent coming from the large group, and a spark of hope ignited within me. We would have a chance to win this battle.

But not without loss.

My spirits plummeted again.

_And I feel so satisfied when_

_I can see you smile I_

_I want to confide in_

_All that is true_

_So I'll keep on tryin'_

_I'm through with lyin'_

_Just like the sun above_

_I'll come shinin' through_

_Oh, yes I'll keep on tryin'_

_I'm tired of cryin'_

_I got to find a way_

_To get on home to you_

It all happened too quickly.

A shriek split the air, and all of the cats erupted into battle. That's all that I knew before all turned to chaos.

I could already see blood and fur flying through the air, even through the early side of the battle. My heart pounded in my ears, blood rushing through my legs made me feel weightless in a fear-filled, cold way. I tried to look around to see which cats needed help, but the frightening writhing of the fighting cats made it hard to concentrate. My breath quickened, and I fought against the urge to sprint away from the scene. Instead, I unsheathed my claws and sprung into the battle, pure instinct pulling me along.

_I've been thinkin' 'bout_

_All the times you held me_

_I never heard you shout_

_The flow of energy was so fine_

_Now I think I'll lay it on the line_

_And keep on tryin'_

_To get home to you_

I could feel the fear pulsing from her before I saw the blood or heard the screams.

_And I feel so satisfied when_

"Help!" her small voice sounded loudly in my mind.

_I can see you smile I_

Suddenly, all else was muted. I spun around to only see the large off-white tomcat bearing down on top of her.

_I want to confide in_

All I could see of the small she-cat was a limp, speckled gray tail.

_All that is true, so I'll_

Blood was already soaking the ground beneath where they tussled.

My paws were frozen to the ground.

A smaller voice sounded in my head, whispering frightening things as I stared at the life being tugged slowly from her small, young paws.

I crashed into the ivory tom before I even knew I had leaped.

_Keep on tryin' I'm_

I felt claws slashing across my face, but then blood gushing from my claws as I stabbed them into the enemy's side.

_Through with lyin'_

He yowled with surprise, and I took advantage of his wavering in his attack. I plowed into his side, trying to knock him onto his back so I could get an aim at his belly. But he, too, was trying to plan that, and the moment I was on top, his claws raked along my belly. I screeched and knocked the side of his face with an unsheathed paw.

_Just like the sun above_

The "deputy" countered with a violent jerk upward, blowing me onto my side, winded. He tried to dig his claws into my belly, but I spun, and he got my face instead. Pain erupted from my eyes as they were scratched by the blow. I tried to get even by aiming for his throat with my claws, but the damage to my eyes made it hard to see my target. I was able to nick the skin, but it wasn't enough to even make him flinch. He pounced on top of me and raised his paw, bringing it down hard on my exposed throat.

_I'll come shinin' through_

My eyes became wide as I felt blood bubbling to the surface of my neck, making every breath hard. A cruel smile crossed his face as I lay, dying, at his paws. He thought he had won, knowing I would die anyway. He started to turn and walk away, when a dark ginger streak flew across my line of sight. A look of surprise crossed the terrible cat's face as he was knocked aside. He tried to scramble to his paws, but was overcome by a group of small, squirming cats. Apprentices. A small smile made its way to my face.

_Yes I will_

The ginger cat turned to me, his eyes locking with mine. Recognition filled them, and they grew dark with sorrow.

"Whitestorm!" Firestar yelled, running towards me in great strides. He stood over my limp shape, and I could feel sticky blood soaking my fur. My breath came raggedly, and every one was a struggle.

"Firestar…" I managed to say, a tear coming to my scarred eyes.

"I'm sor--"

"I can't… be helped." I croaked out, my body already feeling distant as I lay dying.

"You shouldn't have…I should have… It was my duty…" Firestar's voice grew distressed.

"You knew that… Graystripe was… always a better choice." My voice sounded unfamiliar in my ear.

Firestar opened his mouth, but closed it again when he recognized the wisdom in my words.

"When I… die…" The phrase was distorted as it meant something, finally, to me. "Appoint Graystripe…"

The leader tried to protest, but I interrupted him.

"Firestar… you have to… realize this…"

_Oh yes I'll keep on tryin'_

His eyes clouded and his voice was soft and cracking.

_I'm tired of cryin'_

"The clan will always honor your memory and courage, Whitestorm."

I barely heard his words, as I already felt my spirit rising into the welcome hands of StarClan. My paws fell limp and useless first, then the rest of my body followed painfully slowly. At once, I felt the pain vanish as I left the forest behind. The carnage of the battling cats below spread out before me, and I could already see that the clans were winning. Even Scourge seemed to have an air of worry as I passed over him.

I could see the welcoming eyes of every cat I've ever known appear in my mind, voices whispering in my ear.

"Welcome home," They whispered. Home. Home. I'm finally home.

_I got to find a way_

_To get on home to you_


End file.
